Five Month Progress Report

Some days I really want to share how I am feeling and try to explain it to everyone. Other days I just can't.It is really hard to put my feelings into words, and it makes me feel very vulnerable. I don’t want anyone to think I am wallowing in grief and depression, but I also don’t want people to think I am perfectly fine. I am somewhere in the middle, and I move back and forth somewhere between the two extremes as well.

So how are we doing? We are doing ok. Most days go by pretty normally. I have struggled with wanting to go out in public or in crowds. I sometimes wish I could wear black for a year so people would know why I am just not myself. I am perfectly fine to talk about Lauren, what hurts is when people completely avoid the subject. The last thing I want is to act like she never existed. I have had some great, supportive people who have helped me with texts, messages, phone calls. People who aren’t afraid to say her name and who let me vent or ask questions if I can. I still struggle to even call or write to anyone on my worst days. I am terrible at asking for help. So if you see a post about how much I miss her, just know that actually means I am having an ok day,or feeling brave enough to tell the truth.  I have come to love looking at Lauren’s pictures. Instead of seeing the color of her skin or lips, I see my sweet, chubby cheeked baby. I was able to make a Shutterfly book with pregnancy pictures, ultrasounds, anything I had of her life. I really like looking through that, and showing it to people. I have not shown many, but I am happy to share it. I love my adorable baby and although it is hard, it is good for me.

I have spent a lot of time reading the past few months. Right at first it was hard, but I have read a bunch of books, talks, blogs, articles on many subjects ranging from near-death experiences to hope in trials to heartbreaking stories of loss. I have read many things from my church that have helped me see things in perspective. I am thankful I am still not angry or mad at God. I know he loves me and my family, and I know that I will have answers some day. I learned a lot as I went to BYU Women’s conference 6 weeks after she was born and listened and learned from amazing people who have been through such difficult things. I want our family to be whole and happy. I want us to heal and learn and be able to look back on this as something that helped us all become better people. It is going to hurt all our Earth lives, but I know we can find joy again, and find ways to turn our loss into something good. There is such a small but strong baby loss community online. They work to comfort those who are suffering, and also to break some of the silence around miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss and infertility. I hope I can do what I can to help as well, whether it is sewing tiny diapers for tiny babies or commenting on a post by a sad mom. I never would have been able to so truly see the need and opportunity for service if I had not lost Lauren. And I was so blessed to have a good experience. That is not the case for many, many people, So I hope to move forward to do any little thing I can. If you are interested, two of my favorite sites are Still Standing Magazine and CarlyMarie. If you have time to read a bit in there, it may open your eyes to some of the difficulties. I feel like I have not had all the same struggles as some people, but I do think it is something to be aware of, if 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, then we are all touched by it, just very few people speak about it, which adds to the pain.  Unless you lose a baby, then all of a sudden you hear of everyone’s losses around you, it is incredible. There is a need for clothing items for these very early babies, as well as things like memory boxes. If you, your church group, your book group, whatever need a service project, let me know and I can point you in the right direction.

I think this applies to anyone who has lost someone close to them.

Scott still works hard and is gone a lot but he tries to be there for me. He is very strong and supportive and I am thankful for that. He doesn’t blink if I buy a necklace for Lauren that matches ones for the girls. He helped me do our flower bed and little beginning of a rock garden. When we go special places we pick up a rock for the baby. I think it helps the girls a lot, and it feels like we are including her. We got some good ones on our Canada trip. We are so far from her grave, it is nice to have a little place here. When we do go north, I like to go visit the grave alone first so I can talk to her, be sad, cry, feel peace, whatever. Then if the girls want to go we take them. They do quite well and love all the flowers, but it is sad. The reality of a cemetery is right there, though. Lawn mowers, people walking for exercise, new graves being dug. Life, and death, goes on. The grass is almost grown in, so are the little weeds and they seem to turn the mower right on Lauren's grave stone and leave a tire mark. I hate that, but it's reality. When we picked her stone, we didn't know you are supposed to have a vase set in, so we don't and we aren't really supposed to stick things in the ground next to her but we have done that a little. I guess the grass has to be mowed, but I wish we could do more there. Some people do, it is nice to see all the things people leave for their loved ones. A new part of my life I never expected. But I do like having a place where I feel close to her, since we just didn't have any time with her.

adding rocks to the garden

Each of my girls reacts differently. They all are still grieving. Just last night Sara said “why didn’t we even get to play with her for one minute?” and was wanting her to come back to us soon. Whitney sees any hand or footprint and says it is Lauren and speaks of her often.She was given a doll carseat and just kept saying "it's for Lauren! It's for Lauren!" and wanted to put her in it. Little things remind each of them of her. Abby likes to go take flowers to the grave, Isabel doesn’t even want to go and breaks down if we do. Poor kid. They miss her a lot. It is still hard to deal with these things, it just isn’t fair, but we are doing the best we can to help them process their grief and heal. The night before school started we sat down to decide how we would deal with questions like “how many brothers and sisters do you have” or drawing their family. I want them to be prepared.

The comments I get about the 4 girls still hurt, I am not going to bring up Lauren to some lady in the grocery store, but it stinks leaving her out. She is a part of our family, she just isn’t here. Who would have known the question “how many kids do you have” would be such a struggle for those of us who have lost a child. We will figure it out.

I am still a little baby-shy. Little pink bundles do seem to be everywhere. I was able to meet with my friend who has a baby Lauren’s age and hold him. He is so cute and so hers, it was really ok. I want to get to the point where I can be perfectly fine when I see a baby in person, or pictures on Facebook. To be honest it is hard.Seeing little ones pass milestones and grow, seeing smiling moms in the hospital and knowing my last experience was so different. The innocence is lost forever and I cannot look at pregnancy and expect a happy outcome 100% of the time. But I truly am happy for all my family and friends with their cute babies. I just wish I had mine.

And so we have our ups and downs. Five months and it seems like yesterday. I still get very sad. The new Amy is much more fragile. Day to day tasks can be difficult. Other times that is fine but anything extra is too much. I have simplified and cut out many things over the summer. I feel guilty for that, for not having 3 girls on 3 different teams in baseball, for not driving five hours alone with the kids and dog to go camping with family. the old Amy could have made it work, but not this year. I was released from my calling in the Primary presidency (leading the children at church). I feel like I failed, but I also feel relieved. I miss it a lot. I still see a hole in our family, I still have a weight on my heart that won’t go away. But we are doing our best to take care of ourselves and be more aware of those around us who suffer. I feel like I have learned so much already, there were answers in front of me all the time but now I am more certain and feel a better understanding of our lives before we came to earth, while we are here, and after we leave. We have had some great experiences and met some amazing people. Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to be there for us. I hope sharing our experience might help you or someone you know. Before this, I always wanted to help but didn't know how. now I know:  When you don't know what to do, do something. when you don't know what to say, say you are sorry, and that you care. 
All of that being said, we really are doing as well as can be expected.We have gone through a lot of very,very tough things. It takes work and time but I know we will be ok. The kids are resilient and amazing, Scott is strong. I know Lauren is with us.

This is one of my favorite videos, take a minute to watch it.you may need a tissue, though. luv you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdN8rfwW3SI

Canada Trip 2013

We made a huge triangle on our trip.  We left and went to Orem first, saw the family there. We then drove to Boise, ID. We stayed in a hotel and swam a bit, the girls loved that.  We drove the next day to Lacey,WA which is near Olympia. We saw the Columbia river and drove along it. We stayed with old friends from the days in California. Thanks Jenny for letting us crash at your house. The next day we went to Seattle, saw the Space Needle and Pacific Science Center. We walked to the Fish Market and did a bunch of touristy things. Then we headed north to Chilliwack, BC.  We got to my dad’s house in good time and we were glad to be done driving for a bit.

We went to pick blueberries at a U-pick farm, I had never done that and the kids were excited. It was a good time and there was a ton of blueberries. We went to a heron refuge, didn’t see any herons but did find blackberry bushes. Scott was thrilled. We walked around and then went and got some yummy ice cream.

Sunday we went to church, which is right near my dad’s house. Then we just hung out most of the day, my dad was not feeling well.  We went for a drive to Cultus Lake to see what was there. There are not a lot of lakes to swim in in Utah, so I was hoping we could do that.

We went to Vancouver on Monday and went to the Aquarium first. It was crowded but pretty cool. We saw a lot, we watched the beluga show and they had a penguin walk before. We were on the front row so that was fun to see two little penguins close up. They had us put any food we had behind our backs, though.  After that we drove around Stanley Park. We went to a splash park, we stopped at a beach to look for seashells and see the ocean. After that we headed to the Capilano Suspension Bridge. When I was younger, this was pretty much a bridge and a little boardwalk, but we got there and found it had expanded…and so had the price tag. But we were there and so we went in. They have a cool foot suspension bridge with a creek below. They added a cliff walk where you are suspended along the cliff face and you walk along. They also added a bunch of stuff on the far side, and had a booklet for kids to do. They had bridges up in the trees and ponds and many other things. We dragged around everywhere to complete the booklet for our prize….a Button! Yay. The kids were less than thrilled, but oh well. We headed home after a long but good day. 

We went to the lake and swam a bit. My little ones got cold almost immediately but it was fun. They made a sand\gravel castle and played a bit. We went to a Chinese buffet with my dad and Brigitte. Another dinner highlight was a huge, fresh salmon. I was like a kid in a candy store at the grocery, so much fresh, yummy things they grow there. Monticello is just not the same.
you will notice a theme in the pictures...Sara not wanting to participate and Whitney making a funny face. oh well.

Seattle

Vancouver Aquarium

Vancouver

 We had a good visit with my dad and stepmother. The girls loved all the attention they got and it was good to see them. It doesn’t happen very often. I am glad the girls are old enough to really remember the people and places we see.  They are also really good travelers. The whole trip was bitter sweet, we had a lot of freedom, no diapers and no stroller, no portable crib. Just us, the girls, some clothes, and movies. I wished I was at home with a newborn, but I am grateful we could do it and make great memories for all of us.

We left early the next morning to drive entirely across British Columbia to Banff, AB. The drive was gorgeous and I wish we could have spent a week just making that trip. There are so many cool places I want to take my family to, but we will do it someday. Canada is a big place. We made good time and saw so many waterfalls, glaciers and mountains. We got to Banff and checked in by dinner. We ordered pizza and tried to meet up with my sister-in-law and the cousins. Finally we all ended up at the hotel waterslides for some good fun. The next day the kids played at the indoor playground, which is 3 stories of good times. The place we stayed has condos which are amazing, we used to stay there every Christmas when my dad would take us skiing. The kids love it, and so do I, a little splurge but worth it. So nice having the kids in their own beds up in a loft and us with our own bedroom. Also an oven to make a huge berry crisp with our berries and ingredients we bought in Chilliwack. We enjoyed that for a few days with ice cream.  We went up to a waterfall and dodged mosquitoes with Pam, the cousins had so much fun. My Auntie Jean drove in from Edmonton just to see us (she also doesn’t take much arm-twisting to go to Banff) and we had a good visit. We went to the Cave and Basin and to dinner with her. After she left we poked around in the stores on main street, and then we headed out for Calgary. 

We stayed with my old pal Stacey and her family. She spoiled us with food. Her husband is on the helicopter team for Calgary PD so of course Scott got to go visit him. Not surprisingly within an hour we got the call that they had made an emergency landing, but everyone was ok. A maintenance light had come on. They went back and got another helicopter and proceeded to have a good time. When they visited us last year, Scott took Lane on a 4 wheeler ride along. My mom came to visit while we were there and then she babysat so we could go out on a double date. We went canoeing on the lake in their neighborhood and walked around Calgary. It was really nice.  The next day we all met up at Telus Spark which is the science center in Calgary. My two brothers and their families were there. It is a really cool place, we could have spent all day. Sunday we went to church with Mom and Stacey and then just hung out on a rainy day. Monday we got up and left, stopped in High River to pick up Abby who had slept over and to see the flood damage. High River had been completely flooded and evacuated this spring. Luckily my brother’s house just lost the basement, and hopefully they will be able to get the insurance figured out and rebuild soon.  We left there and drove to Butte, Montana. We got up in the morning and went to the Lewis and Clark Caverns. We had gone there as children and I wanted to take ours now that they were old enough to do the hike. It is huge and takes almost 2 hours to go through. They all did well, so did really tall Scott.  After that we took the scenic route past Yellowstone and through Rexburg and Idaho Falls, back to Orem. I did a bit of school shopping, we had a picnic in a wind storm with some amazing friends, then home and back to reality as Scott immediately headed back to his busy schedule. It was a good trip…not relaxing for the mom but a lot of amazing things I was able to share with my family.

cameras cannot do it justice

cousins...yes, this was the best one I had

Auntie Jean

Back to School 2013

Abby is in 5^th grade! She is growing up so fast! She has Mrs. Pehrson this year, who is our neighbor. She is excited about school, Learning, reading and hanging out with Friends. This year the school is next to a construction zone, they are building behind the old building, and then will knock it down next summer, and fall 2014 we will have a brand new school! Abby will enjoy it for 1 year, but Whitney gets to start Kindergarten in a fancy new place. I will personally be excited not to hear trucks backing up at 5 am, but I am glad they are working so hard.

Isabel is in 3^rd grade with Mr. Boyle. He is a great teacher who is a lot of fun, he likes to dance and sing in class. She is happy to be back with her friends and busy. I am sure she will have a great year.

Sara started 1^st grade! She has Mr. McDaniel. I was a little worried about her being gone all day and how she would do in the cafeteria and everything, but she seemed to have a great first day. She has some good friends in her class and a great teacher so I know she will blossom this year. She is in the stage of phonetic spelling and I love it. She is very smart and I can’t wait to see what she accomplishes.

Whitney just got a spot in preschool and we are excited. She will go just twice a week, but I know she will love it. She is growing and learning every day. We are working on writing her name, she can already spell it out loud and does really well with her letters. I hope to teach her a lot at home, go to story time at the library, go for walks, play with friends and find things for the two of us to do all day. It is going to be very different without all the other little people around.