Five Month Progress Report

Some days I really want to share how I am feeling and try to explain it to everyone. Other days I just can't.It is really hard to put my feelings into words, and it makes me feel very vulnerable. I don’t want anyone to think I am wallowing in grief and depression, but I also don’t want people to think I am perfectly fine. I am somewhere in the middle, and I move back and forth somewhere between the two extremes as well.

So how are we doing? We are doing ok. Most days go by pretty normally. I have struggled with wanting to go out in public or in crowds. I sometimes wish I could wear black for a year so people would know why I am just not myself. I am perfectly fine to talk about Lauren, what hurts is when people completely avoid the subject. The last thing I want is to act like she never existed. I have had some great, supportive people who have helped me with texts, messages, phone calls. People who aren’t afraid to say her name and who let me vent or ask questions if I can. I still struggle to even call or write to anyone on my worst days. I am terrible at asking for help. So if you see a post about how much I miss her, just know that actually means I am having an ok day,or feeling brave enough to tell the truth.  I have come to love looking at Lauren’s pictures. Instead of seeing the color of her skin or lips, I see my sweet, chubby cheeked baby. I was able to make a Shutterfly book with pregnancy pictures, ultrasounds, anything I had of her life. I really like looking through that, and showing it to people. I have not shown many, but I am happy to share it. I love my adorable baby and although it is hard, it is good for me.

I have spent a lot of time reading the past few months. Right at first it was hard, but I have read a bunch of books, talks, blogs, articles on many subjects ranging from near-death experiences to hope in trials to heartbreaking stories of loss. I have read many things from my church that have helped me see things in perspective. I am thankful I am still not angry or mad at God. I know he loves me and my family, and I know that I will have answers some day. I learned a lot as I went to BYU Women’s conference 6 weeks after she was born and listened and learned from amazing people who have been through such difficult things. I want our family to be whole and happy. I want us to heal and learn and be able to look back on this as something that helped us all become better people. It is going to hurt all our Earth lives, but I know we can find joy again, and find ways to turn our loss into something good. There is such a small but strong baby loss community online. They work to comfort those who are suffering, and also to break some of the silence around miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss and infertility. I hope I can do what I can to help as well, whether it is sewing tiny diapers for tiny babies or commenting on a post by a sad mom. I never would have been able to so truly see the need and opportunity for service if I had not lost Lauren. And I was so blessed to have a good experience. That is not the case for many, many people, So I hope to move forward to do any little thing I can. If you are interested, two of my favorite sites are Still Standing Magazine and CarlyMarie. If you have time to read a bit in there, it may open your eyes to some of the difficulties. I feel like I have not had all the same struggles as some people, but I do think it is something to be aware of, if 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, then we are all touched by it, just very few people speak about it, which adds to the pain.  Unless you lose a baby, then all of a sudden you hear of everyone’s losses around you, it is incredible. There is a need for clothing items for these very early babies, as well as things like memory boxes. If you, your church group, your book group, whatever need a service project, let me know and I can point you in the right direction.

I think this applies to anyone who has lost someone close to them.

Scott still works hard and is gone a lot but he tries to be there for me. He is very strong and supportive and I am thankful for that. He doesn’t blink if I buy a necklace for Lauren that matches ones for the girls. He helped me do our flower bed and little beginning of a rock garden. When we go special places we pick up a rock for the baby. I think it helps the girls a lot, and it feels like we are including her. We got some good ones on our Canada trip. We are so far from her grave, it is nice to have a little place here. When we do go north, I like to go visit the grave alone first so I can talk to her, be sad, cry, feel peace, whatever. Then if the girls want to go we take them. They do quite well and love all the flowers, but it is sad. The reality of a cemetery is right there, though. Lawn mowers, people walking for exercise, new graves being dug. Life, and death, goes on. The grass is almost grown in, so are the little weeds and they seem to turn the mower right on Lauren's grave stone and leave a tire mark. I hate that, but it's reality. When we picked her stone, we didn't know you are supposed to have a vase set in, so we don't and we aren't really supposed to stick things in the ground next to her but we have done that a little. I guess the grass has to be mowed, but I wish we could do more there. Some people do, it is nice to see all the things people leave for their loved ones. A new part of my life I never expected. But I do like having a place where I feel close to her, since we just didn't have any time with her.

adding rocks to the garden

Each of my girls reacts differently. They all are still grieving. Just last night Sara said “why didn’t we even get to play with her for one minute?” and was wanting her to come back to us soon. Whitney sees any hand or footprint and says it is Lauren and speaks of her often.She was given a doll carseat and just kept saying "it's for Lauren! It's for Lauren!" and wanted to put her in it. Little things remind each of them of her. Abby likes to go take flowers to the grave, Isabel doesn’t even want to go and breaks down if we do. Poor kid. They miss her a lot. It is still hard to deal with these things, it just isn’t fair, but we are doing the best we can to help them process their grief and heal. The night before school started we sat down to decide how we would deal with questions like “how many brothers and sisters do you have” or drawing their family. I want them to be prepared.

The comments I get about the 4 girls still hurt, I am not going to bring up Lauren to some lady in the grocery store, but it stinks leaving her out. She is a part of our family, she just isn’t here. Who would have known the question “how many kids do you have” would be such a struggle for those of us who have lost a child. We will figure it out.

I am still a little baby-shy. Little pink bundles do seem to be everywhere. I was able to meet with my friend who has a baby Lauren’s age and hold him. He is so cute and so hers, it was really ok. I want to get to the point where I can be perfectly fine when I see a baby in person, or pictures on Facebook. To be honest it is hard.Seeing little ones pass milestones and grow, seeing smiling moms in the hospital and knowing my last experience was so different. The innocence is lost forever and I cannot look at pregnancy and expect a happy outcome 100% of the time. But I truly am happy for all my family and friends with their cute babies. I just wish I had mine.

And so we have our ups and downs. Five months and it seems like yesterday. I still get very sad. The new Amy is much more fragile. Day to day tasks can be difficult. Other times that is fine but anything extra is too much. I have simplified and cut out many things over the summer. I feel guilty for that, for not having 3 girls on 3 different teams in baseball, for not driving five hours alone with the kids and dog to go camping with family. the old Amy could have made it work, but not this year. I was released from my calling in the Primary presidency (leading the children at church). I feel like I failed, but I also feel relieved. I miss it a lot. I still see a hole in our family, I still have a weight on my heart that won’t go away. But we are doing our best to take care of ourselves and be more aware of those around us who suffer. I feel like I have learned so much already, there were answers in front of me all the time but now I am more certain and feel a better understanding of our lives before we came to earth, while we are here, and after we leave. We have had some great experiences and met some amazing people. Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to be there for us. I hope sharing our experience might help you or someone you know. Before this, I always wanted to help but didn't know how. now I know:  When you don't know what to do, do something. when you don't know what to say, say you are sorry, and that you care. 
All of that being said, we really are doing as well as can be expected.We have gone through a lot of very,very tough things. It takes work and time but I know we will be ok. The kids are resilient and amazing, Scott is strong. I know Lauren is with us.

This is one of my favorite videos, take a minute to watch it.you may need a tissue, though. luv you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdN8rfwW3SI