The little ticker on the side of my blog tells me "it has been two years and seven months since we said good bye." She would be 2.5 years old. With the passage of time and a lot of work, the searing pain of those first months have settled into a peace and acceptance of life as it is. Of course we miss her. I think of her many times per day. Sometimes I feel I am numb to the grief. Other times I do feel a tangible peace. I feel that Lauren is often near. There are things that I see, perhaps you would call them signs, but I do believe she is with me. On the rare occasions I get to visit her grave, I love to do it. It seems funny, but it has become one of my favorite places. Overall, we are healed, we are happy, we enjoy each day we are given. We laugh, we play, we get frustrated, we work, we learn, we do holidays and regular days and keep on keeping on.
Calvin is now 18 months old, the time when he will go from staying with us all of church, to attending the nursery. For a while we have been taking him in to get him used to it. As I sit there I see little girls Lauren's age. I watch them quietly, speak to them, play with them. One in particular is just a few days older than Lauren. She moved into town just after everything happened. I could not look at that little baby, not for months. It hurt too much. And then as time went on, I ended up giving her mother some of the girl clothes I wouldn't be needing any more. And now, there she is, running around, learning to talk, playing. Do I cry? no. Is it odd? yes. I see other families close to me dealing with potty training and see the milestones we are not passing. It is hard in a way, to think of her as a baby as she was, and a toddler as she would be. Another friend of mine got some of our hand me downs, and I see her wear them often. It doesn't break my heart, but it still feels a little funny.
As we have been mentally preparing to move, I have thought a lot about how we will introduce our family. How many times we will have to answer the question "How many kids do you have?" How many times my girls will have to also answer such questions and how they will each want to deal with it. Of course, we have no problem including Lauren in our family, but it depends on the situation, and it is somewhat difficult gauging how people will react, and that can be tough emotionally. We have been so blessed here in Monticello. The whole community has been so loving and kind and helpful and understanding. They cried with us, and also rejoiced with us when Calvin was born. That will be hard to leave.
As we packed up some things, I did nearly have a panic attack worrying about moving Lauren's plaster hand prints. We only have two sets and I was terrified they would get broken. I felt guilty as I took down her shadow box to make the house show better. I miss it being there on the wall. I wonder what we will do with our rock garden (probably pack and take the rocks with us) and her flower garden...I wonder what the new owners will do with it. This house is where she lived her whole life, it's also where she died.
I continue to enjoy serving by sewing and doing other things. I am glad that I can help others who are facing similar situations. I feel like I have learned a lot about grief and life and trials and what's important. I am still far from a perfect mother, but the deep sense that I would rather be slogging through any given problem or annoyance with my children than not is always there. Each child is an amazing gift that should not be taken for granted. And through it all, never doubting my loving Heavenly Father and His plan. Life on earth can be tough. All of us at some point, or maybe many points will go through difficult things, and that is ok. I don't believe in a lot of the cliches out there, but I do believe that we are stronger than we think and we have so much to be grateful for. Life is good.
So, although I am often weak, and I have not felt able to express my feelings completely for a long time, and sometimes I get weighed down with the continual loss I see every day as I try to help, and I feel like running away from it all, today I will say something.
I will say thank you, to my wonderful friends and family, for your support and for letting me continue to share our little girl with you. I will remember her chubby cheeks and her gorgeous hair and her little toes and fingers. I remember holding her and watching my family hold her. I remember her little fleece pink polka dot sleeper that I knew would keep her warm as she slept in the cold,cold ground. I will remember how much good has come out of her short but precious life, and I will continue to work to help those who walk this path with me. I will love her like crazy, because she is my daughter. I know, without a doubt, that she is near and that I will see her and hold her again. And we will play with all the other babies gone too soon, and it will be incredible.
[i carry your heart with me]
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
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