Pregnancy update

This little video is mostly for the grandmas to enjoy.  You can see his little face on the right, his hand is above his head and his elbow is sticking out towards us. Then you can see the heart beating, the cord and he kicks on the far left of the screen as well. Hope you enjoy.

The pregnancy is going well. Everything looks just fine. I am now heading into the appointments every two weeks, I can’t believe it! The baby is very active and still a ninja. I have had a cold recently and he doesn’t like when I cough and sneeze, he moves a lot. Also when I drink cold things. He seems to be very strong with sharp little feet and hands. I am so thankful he moves so much, I will not complain. I have not gotten out the Doppler much the last weeks, I can feel him often enough that I don’t worry about finding a heartbeat.

We are still debating names and most likely won’t come to a conclusion til he is here, but that’s ok. Scott’s family wanted to throw a baby shower for this little guy and at first I was very, very scared to do it. Now I am feeling more excited about the idea and about him really coming to live with us and actually needing  blue things.  I think that no matter how I feel, and no matter how wrapped up in Lauren’s story his pregnancy has been, this little one deserves his own special treatment, and I am willing to do that for him.

I have tried to share a little about this journey of pregnancy after a loss. For me, because I have read so much I know that my experience is pretty typical, although each person and story is unique.Ours all happening in one year makes it pretty crazy. I don’t share it to make people pity me or think I am a little crazy(however true that is), but to help others understand that not every single person who gets two lines on a test is going to get a baby,and it can be scary. In a normal pregnancy, loss is an abstract worry, and if you get past 12 weeks and tell everyone, it is assumed that a bundle of joy is a sure thing. 

Someone put it this way, and I would agree this is how I felt the first half of the pregnancy, when we were so scared and hiding it:

  “  I had just given birth to my stillborn daughter, Amelia, and became pregnant two months later with my first rainbow baby.   I quickly realized that the thrill of pregnancy was forever changed into an experience full of fear.  I can only compare it to walking on a tightrope over hell and hoping you don’t fall in.  I just wanted to make it to the other side of my pregnancy . . . that happy ending place where I got to hear my baby crying after delivery instead of the awful silence only filled with my own cries.

I desperately missed the happiness ~ the anticipation of meeting this new little baby.  All I could manage was a luke-warm hope that this baby would live.  I needed a place to unveil my fears and feelings so that I could begin to bond without judgement to this new life.  I craved a place where I could talk about Amelia (whom I was still very much grieving) while still trying to navigate an entirely different pregnancy.” Stephanie Dyer. 

(they call them rainbow babies, the beauty after the storm of a loss)

I also really related to this article about pregnancy after loss.

The natural response is one of awkwardly trying to not to “get your hopes up” in an impossible attempt to protect your heart from the pain you know can happen.

I have been thinking the past few weeks, WHY is it so scary? I have come to the conclusion that it is because it is such an out of control process. When you have a child, you are scared of losing her. So you put her on her back to sleep, you don’t give her fluffy pillows, you pick up marbles and cover outlets. As she gets older you keep her off tall things, check behind the car when you back up, use a car seat. Then we begin teaching safety, stranger danger, bike helmets, looking both ways…the list goes on forever. When you are pregnant, all you can do is try to take care of your body, and hope that your body takes care of the baby. If you have had an experience where your body did not do that, it is hard to trust that everything will be ok. You know that in an instant everything can change, and you might not even notice, and you might never know why or what happened. If the loss is early, perhaps passing the hurdle of that first trimester, or when the baby is “viable” or any milestone may alleviate some fear. In our case, losing Lauren all the way at the end of a normal pregnancy just means that we will be waiting until we see him with our own eyes to believe that he will be ok.

But honestly, things are looking up. We are feeling more confident. We have a good plan with our doctor. We are getting into the home stretch and we are watching everything very closely. I know the odds are highly in our favor. All of this helps, it isn’t perfect, but it helps get through this time. I had a sweet friend offer to do newborn photos for us. I have been able to Google images of these little ones and prepare ideas without completely flashing back to Lauren’s photos. So similar, yet so heartbreaking. A few months ago it would have been too hard.For ten months I have avoided looking at newborns or their pictures. I think with time, with effort, with hope for a new baby in the family, we are moving forward as best we can. Always missing Lauren, always with questions and sadness, like how do we include her in happy pictures of the girls and baby brother? Will I feel like she is missing? She is missing, but do we always have to represent her? How do we deal with the comments about the 4 girls and one boy when we know there are five, but you can't see one? It’s complicated but I know we are growing in our grief and working to make the best life we can for all of us. Her birthday is coming up soon and we are planning to make it a special and happy occasion, hopefully being able to serve other grieving families by donating little diapers and hats, and releasing balloons or lanterns, and eating cupcakes, whatever works for us. Whether my emotions will cooperate is another story, I surely wish we were planning a real first birthday party and taking messy cake pictures instead of visiting a cemetery, but there it is.

Thank you all for being so supportive and letting me try to explain my feelings.I know many of you deal with your own trials, each is different,each reaction is different. This is just my experience. I am grateful for both these babies and always thankful I have my 4 beautiful girls and the opportunity to be a mom, no matter what.