Good Bye Sweet Baby

Writing these posts is emotionally draining. But thinking about writing them also is. So I will finish writing about the burial now, and then just write as I feel a desire to in the future. Thank you for listening to our story.
The hospital was great, they took her foot and handprints and put them on birth certificates for us. They put her name and weight and all of that on, just like for a regular delivery. Those we treasure. Everyone there told us how beautiful Lauren was, they held her in their arms when they carried her and it was just so much like a live baby. I am so thankful to have had such a good experience with our care. Oh, I was going to mention that the nurse who first came and talked to us was named Lauren.(but I think went by Laurie) This also helped finally chose her name. When I had Whitney and had not yet chosen a name, our labor and delivery nurses were named Sarah and Whitney. So that helped me pick Whitney's name. Some may say coincidence....I don't think so.
When we left the hospital, we had to leave Lauren there. Wrapped up tight but in a little cooler in a room in the hospital. I knew she was in good hands but I was somehow terrified there would be a mix up and something would happen to her. Because she was stillborn, we did not have to take her to a mortuary. The day was sunny and warm, a blessing and good to feel the warmth on our skin. Scott went to a man in our town who hand makes baby caskets. Their family had lost a baby as well and so he started building these. They are beautiful. Scott went to pick it out, but I think I would have chosen the same one. I liked the tone of the wood and the silver hardware. The inside was pretty and white and soft. It would be a good place to lay our baby.
That day we had many of the unimaginable details of a burial to take care of. We had already decided to bury Lauren near her Aunt Susan in Orem. There Scott's parents and grandparents had their plots together, as well as some extra ones. It was a relief to not have to shop around places and make hard decisions.That was easy to decide. I know it is hard being away from the spot, but I know she is taken care of, and every time we go to visit we will be able to see her grave. And no matter where we end up, or move, or anything, I know she will be constant there in Orem. I could not leave her down here in Monticello if we did move someday.
I was supposed to be resting. But I could not be alone. It was very difficult.
We opened a little box that had a lock of Lauren's hair. It was stuck to a clear tape thing, I was very disappointed about it. I could not touch her hair and it was all stuck in plastic. Everyone wanted to do something to help us, so I asked my mom to go get another bit. And she did.I knew if I didn't say anything I would regret it forever.  the nurses helped her and got it for her. That made me feel better. We continued with some logisitcs. Soon Scott's parents left to go take care of the cemetary preparations. We stayed home so I could rest. I kept having to remind myself how recently I had given birth, it was so odd to be home, without a baby. Thankfully I was doing ok physically. I packed for the trip to Orem. Scott's mom was able to get matching dresses for the girls via text, photos and phone calls. I knew it was Easter dress season, so I was hoping we could get cute ones. And we did.
We talked to the girls, prepared them for what the burial would be like, so they would be ready and not afraid. How do you really put all that into words?
Saturday, March 16th Scott went in the morning to the hospital. Our neighbor Dustin ( a nurse) was there to help get the baby. They placed her in her casket in the Suburban. We were able to bring her to Orem ourselves. Everything went well, we got on the road when we had planned to. The girls did well in the car. We were not looking forward to burying our baby. I had to pick an outfit when nothing fit, things like that were so hard to deal with. I should have been in stretchy pants,exhausted, taking care of a baby, not finding clothes for a funeral and going on a road trip. On the other hand, we had just gotten Scott a nice new suit since it had been 10 years since he bought one for our wedding. He did not want to, I insisted. I thought it was a tax return thing, then we thought it would be nice for Isabel's baptism. Then we both realized that day how glad we were he had a nice suit to wear. Another coincidence you may say. I disagree.
We got to Orem and changed the girls into their dresses. Everyone was there and waiting. I had called my friend Carma Gray the day before and she dropped whatever she had to come take photos for us. I didn't know what I wanted, not posed shots or anything. But I wanted documentation of every minute we had with Lauren. She was there and took many photos for us. The cousins somehow all matched and so we did get a picture of them together. Most of the people there were Scott's family. I had not known if I would want a bunch of people or not. But it was good to keep it small. I decided to use Lauren's baby book as a guest book, so we knew who was with us that day, and to fill all the pages that would now go empty.
Scott and I went to make sure the baby was still laying in the right way, after the car trip. We made sure she was, and then added a little toy in with her, a little paper angel Abby made for her, a picture of our family and a few other things. We closed the casket for the last time.
Scott carried her to the spot, I carried her pretty white and pink flowers that had been ordered for us. Little rosebuds, they were perfect.
Scott's dad said a few words. Scott dedicated the grave. The children there all laid a rose next to her. We all cried and got through it. We spoke to those who came to be with us, then everyone went their ways. The grandparents took our children back to the house. We stayed to watche her be placed in the hole. I thought I wanted to see it, but soon was ready to go, the ugly dirt next to our precious little one was too much.
Scott and I went to the monument place. They stayed open late for us. I knew it would be our only chance for a while to be up there to pick a headstone. I had looked at their website at home, and had thought about it some. Scott isn't into details so I knew whatever I chose would be fine for both of us. I thought about what I wanted it to look like and say. (if you haven't read the posts below, there is a picture of it there) I wanted to have it say "Baby Sister" somewhere, since we had called her that so long. Even saying Lauren seemed different. I almost wished I had named her earlier so we could be used to it, before she was suddenly gone. 
We went through pictures and fonts and spellings and everything to get it just right. An incredible blessing, the store donated our stone, and the cost of setting it. The owner gives the small ones to parents of babies who pass away as a gift. We really couldn't believe it. That still has not been placed, but we hope soon.
After that we went back, I spent the day trying to be distracted and not being alone. Unfortunately that day my milk came in and it was very physically uncomfortable and emotionally heartbreaking. My body did not know my baby was gone.
For some crazy reason we went to get a few things I needed at a store which is only in Orem. We stopped and got little joke books at Barnes and Noble for the girls. I had promised them joke books during our talk, to cheer them up. I don't know how I did this, but it had to be done. And it was better than sitting in the basement crying.
Sunday everyone went to church except Scott and I. He was sick and I was exhausted in every way. We headed home that afternoon.  It was a whirlwind, I think we were all still numb and going through each thing we had to. Now it was back to "normal," whatever that means. I can't express everything I thought and felt. I am not a perfect person, I have had my very weak moments, doubts, fears, every part of grief in a situation like this.And I will probably for a long time.Scott has been amazingly strong and has a simple faith, but he grieves in his own way. I want people to know that we love our daughter, she will be a part of our family and our story for the rest of our lives. She will also be a missing part for the rest of our lives. But we know she is in a place without pain and suffering. We know she is fine but we are so sad. We believe we will get to be with her again, forever where no death will keep us apart. We know there are lessons to be learned and strength and faith to be built upon. We hope to be better, more empathetic people through this experience, and we hope our family will grow closer and we will see what is really important. We will not allow what happened to make us bitter or tear us apart. We have seen so many little things that have come together, not to miraculously save our baby, but to help us through this trial. There are what we call "tender mercies of the Lord" everywhere. We know that is true.We are not angry, or asking why. These answers are not for us right now.

 Our baby is so special, and we will do everything we can to make her short life and her memory meaningful. We love each of our five daughters more than words can express.