We wanted you....

I decorated this room when it was Whitney's. But it was going to be a room for any babies who came along after her. I purposely made it fitting for a boy or girl. The crib is brand new, no one has slept in  it. the sheets are freshly washed and put on just weeks ago. We don't sleep well with a baby in the room, too many little sounds. So we made this crib ready for you. We moved your sister into her big girl bed in the next room so you could have your space.



When we found out about you, that you were going to be another little girl, preparations began. While sewing a pile of baby blankets for others, I sewed one just for you. Extra large to keep you warm, and to last til you were a toddler. I was so excited to use the new minky fabric everyone raved about. It was going to be so soft against your skin.  Your grandparents were thrilled. Grandma Jane could not resist shopping for you. cute little headbands, a hat, outfits so soft, a pink newborn sleeper with big polka dots, you will wear it forever now as you sleep. little brand new Onesies, so adorable.you only get to wear one of those as well. It says "love" on the front. The diaper bag; I searched high and low for months to find just the right one. it was ready for you. It would hold everything we would need to take care of you, and look good at the same time. It is empty now.Up on a shelf in the closet.


What do we do with this soap for baby clothes? Opened and used on one load of your things. new items from the store, and old ones passed down from your big sisters. The memories of each of them came back as I washed the outfits for you, remembered my favorites, the people who gave them to us, each little piece of cloth has a story. The burp cloths grandmas made for us. The little blankets Sister Hornberger sewed for Abby. More blankets made and edged in delicate crochet. your entire wardrobe of tiny things for the first few months fit in one wash load. now the full box stands open. I guess I will give it away. or throw it away. or put it away, and when I see it out of the corner of my eye, wipe a tear for something as normal as a little pink box of soap.

Isn't this blanket pretty? Last fall I showed Grandma CC a fancy blanket my friend Leisa gave to Abby. We got on the internet and found a tutorial to make one like it, called "homemade chenille". We were not quite finished sewing it when you came, it took a long time to sew all those stitches, and then cut through the layers. It wasn't ready for you, and we weren't ready for you to go so soon. you didn't get to see how pretty it was. I made Grandma finish it, a different kind of project then. but we did it for you.
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For 9 months I carried you, prepared for you. I didn't put my cell phone near my stomach. I didn't take any medicine except a few Tylenol. I took my vitamins. I was careful on the ice. I drank lots and lots of water.  I went to all my doctor's appointments and we checked on you so thoroughly. One time Abby came with me, and the doctor let her put the Doppler on my stomach to hear your strong heartbeat. She was so thrilled. We all prayed for you and your safe arrival. But now the house is quiet. You never got to see your pretty room. You never got to wear your pretty clothes. You never got to sleep in your new crib. All your things, all our dreams and hopes are still here, but you are not. We wanted you then, we want you now, we'll miss you every day, and we'll love you forever, baby.