We wanted you....

I decorated this room when it was Whitney's. But it was going to be a room for any babies who came along after her. I purposely made it fitting for a boy or girl. The crib is brand new, no one has slept in  it. the sheets are freshly washed and put on just weeks ago. We don't sleep well with a baby in the room, too many little sounds. So we made this crib ready for you. We moved your sister into her big girl bed in the next room so you could have your space.



When we found out about you, that you were going to be another little girl, preparations began. While sewing a pile of baby blankets for others, I sewed one just for you. Extra large to keep you warm, and to last til you were a toddler. I was so excited to use the new minky fabric everyone raved about. It was going to be so soft against your skin.  Your grandparents were thrilled. Grandma Jane could not resist shopping for you. cute little headbands, a hat, outfits so soft, a pink newborn sleeper with big polka dots, you will wear it forever now as you sleep. little brand new Onesies, so adorable.you only get to wear one of those as well. It says "love" on the front. The diaper bag; I searched high and low for months to find just the right one. it was ready for you. It would hold everything we would need to take care of you, and look good at the same time. It is empty now.Up on a shelf in the closet.


What do we do with this soap for baby clothes? Opened and used on one load of your things. new items from the store, and old ones passed down from your big sisters. The memories of each of them came back as I washed the outfits for you, remembered my favorites, the people who gave them to us, each little piece of cloth has a story. The burp cloths grandmas made for us. The little blankets Sister Hornberger sewed for Abby. More blankets made and edged in delicate crochet. your entire wardrobe of tiny things for the first few months fit in one wash load. now the full box stands open. I guess I will give it away. or throw it away. or put it away, and when I see it out of the corner of my eye, wipe a tear for something as normal as a little pink box of soap.

Isn't this blanket pretty? Last fall I showed Grandma CC a fancy blanket my friend Leisa gave to Abby. We got on the internet and found a tutorial to make one like it, called "homemade chenille". We were not quite finished sewing it when you came, it took a long time to sew all those stitches, and then cut through the layers. It wasn't ready for you, and we weren't ready for you to go so soon. you didn't get to see how pretty it was. I made Grandma finish it, a different kind of project then. but we did it for you.
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For 9 months I carried you, prepared for you. I didn't put my cell phone near my stomach. I didn't take any medicine except a few Tylenol. I took my vitamins. I was careful on the ice. I drank lots and lots of water.  I went to all my doctor's appointments and we checked on you so thoroughly. One time Abby came with me, and the doctor let her put the Doppler on my stomach to hear your strong heartbeat. She was so thrilled. We all prayed for you and your safe arrival. But now the house is quiet. You never got to see your pretty room. You never got to wear your pretty clothes. You never got to sleep in your new crib. All your things, all our dreams and hopes are still here, but you are not. We wanted you then, we want you now, we'll miss you every day, and we'll love you forever, baby.

Pregnancy #5

In 2009, After 4 busy girls, a long 9 months apart from Scott, being a pregnant single mom,building a house and selling a house, moving with a 3 week old infant and so much more, we took a little break from babies. But then in the fall of 2011,something started telling me it was time for another one. We had booked a cruise in January to celebrate 10 years of marriage, and having kids old enough to leave with grandma for week. Pregnancy + a boat is not a good combo for me, as we had discovered on a whale watching trip, after eating clam chowder when I was pregnant with Abby.So we waited a bit. After that we would see what happened. It ended up taking longer than we had thought, and my perfect plan for a family-completing set of twin boys born in the fall of 2012 did not happen.  Weird.
However, after a crazy busy summer, and a bunch of wasted pregnancy tests, finally we got a positive in August! I was very excited and happy after so many months. I began my pregnancy feeling fine, which the progressed to my usual not actually throwing up but feeling like it constantly. We had many visitors during that time, but we wanted to wait to tell anyone. Scott was VERY busy with work and I was home alone a lot. Some days I did want to shout "I'm pregnant, that's why our yard is so weedy!" and why I was not functioning at 100%.  However, we did not tell anyone. Because of our problem with Whitney at 14 weeks, and because the girls were older and wiser now, we wanted to be sure everything was ok before telling them.And not make the wait crazy long for them.  Then I thought it would be fun to wait until 20 weeks when we knew the gender of the baby. I was sure there was a chance we would have a boy. Scott was sure it would be a girl. He was right. The doctor confirmed that.
Cravings:not too many, but ginger ale, Ruby Red Squirt, egg sandwich (2 pieces toast, 2 eggs, cheese and ham) coffee? as a good Mormon girl who has never had coffee and actually hated the smell of it, this was an interesting one, which I did not give in to.  Aversions: definitely the smell of the dog food, ick
When we found out we were pregnant again, we decided it was a good time to head to Disneyland, with all of Scott's work over the summer, we did not get to see him much, but he did earn some good overtime. A family trip sounded perfect. So we went in early October, and it was great. I was not showing, so I rode pretty much everything, except Splash Mountain and the big Roller Coaster.
 My mom was coming to visit around Halloween, and we had an appointment scheduled so she was able to come and see the baby on ultrasound. I was grateful I made it that long, squishing into my jeans and not saying anything about being pregnant.  We were excited to add another girl, we kindof have it down my now, and bins full of pink clothes in the basement. I started to wonder why I even bother getting unisex colors for carseats, bouncy chairs, and for decorating the nursery.  That night we told the girls we had a present for them. I wrote a note that said "A new baby sister" and put it in an envelope. We gave it to them to open. Abby said she thought it was a trip to Disneyland (which we had just come back from). She opened it and read the note out loud. The look on her face was absolutely priceless! I wish I had a picture of it, she was so excited and so were the other girls once they caught on. We were so happy to finally share the news with them and everyone else.
The pregnancy progressed well, with tiredness being my worst symptom. I felt slightly older and more worn out than I had when I was 21 and pregnant.  But I cannot complain, I did have slightly high blood pressure compared to my normal levels, but nothing we worried about. I also gained more weight than I would have liked, but I blamed it on the ginger ale I drank to attempt to settle my stomach ( I normally don't drink any soda), the icy winter which made going for walks difficult, and being pregnant over the holidays.
The baby was not much of a kicker, she seemed very mellow, except for bursts of movement every once in a while. She was also breech for a time, but turned when she needed to.
Time passed, we went through the holidays, and then Isabel and Sara's birthdays. Isabel was baptized and that went well even though it was a lot of work, I felt good. After all of that craziness, I finally felt like I could spend the last few weeks of the pregnancy focussing on the baby, and getting ready. My mom planned to be here to help and got plane tickets. I started organizing the house. I was ruthless with toys, closets, dressers, cupboards, anything that was getting overwhelming I needed to just get rid of it, so that when I had 5 kids I could handle it. I was stressed about how everything was going to go, and how our lives were going to change. We were going back to nursing and diapers and not being able to just jump in the car and go places. None of my girls have been good sleepers and I was worried I would be a tired and cranky mom. We found our crib was past the point of safety. we had bought it used in Califoria from an Army family that had 3 kids and many moves, then we had put 4 kids and many moves on it as well.  I ordered a cute crib online and put it together myself when it arrived. it looks so pretty in the nursery. I searched and searched for a diaper bag I liked, and finally found one. Scott's mom offered to buy it for me, and I loved it! One night I couldn't sleep, was having Braxton-Hicks contractions and finally got around to pulling out the baby clothes and washing them. We talked to the girls about the baby, even had a Family Home Evening to talk about how we treat a baby, showed them the tiny diapers and baby wash and practiced holding a baby with dolls. We had gotten Whitney her own little doll and set with a crib, stroller and high chair so she would be ready to be a little mommy,too. She had 9 babies in her tummy. She always had us feel them kick. The girls loved the belly, the kicks, and talking to baby sister.
When my mom arrived we stayed busy. we sewed a denim quilt for Scott from saved up jeans, I built an organizational wall for the countless papers that come into the house and always end up on the desk. We worked on a blanket for the baby, which my mom had started. I cleaned out the baby closet, and things were finally ready to go. As I got bigger, I was definitely getting more uncomfortable, with many night time trips to the bathroom and painful stretching tendons. The baby also liked to kick the nerves in my legs. Scott had a trip to Vegas early in March, we hoped he would not miss the baby arriving! He got back safely and then we really were getting serious.We were ready to meet this baby, although I have always been overdue, and induced 3 times, I was planning on going late, but wanted to wait it out, do labor at home and run to the hospital just in time to have the baby. That was the plan.

A name......

A few of our other girls have middle names that I would classify as  virtues, words that have a meaning or describe a quality. Isabel Joy I liked, and she has grown every day to personify Joy. She is one of the happiest, most loving people I know.  Whitney Hope. I chose her middle name because at 14 weeks we had a problem with the placenta, including a lot of bleeding, and constant fear the rest of the pregnancy that we would lose her. She made it through and so Hope reminds me that even when the odds are against someone, she can still make it through. And how much we hoped and prayed for her to be a part of our family.
When choosing a name while I was pregnant, I was having a very hard time, we had lots of suggestions, ideas, old lists of names from the other girls.  I had liked Lauren for quite a while, but Scott thought of it as a boy's name. I never heard of a boy named Lauren except at college in Idaho. So it was on the veto list with previous children. However, he relented with this pregnancy, giving me pretty much full choice on a name I liked.  Following the trend from the other two girls, I looked at middle names that embraced good qualities. Grace seemd to flow so well with Lauren, and grace has so many good meanings. To me, I envision grace as a Victorian English lady, always polite, kind, proper, walking with an air of confidence and compassion.We always wait to see our babies before we name them, so I kept the name in my mental list and didn't really share it with anyone. We called her "Baby Sister" the whole time in the belly. Today  I looked in the dictionary the definition of grace:

1. elegance and beauty of movement, form, expression, or proportion
2. a pleasing or charming quality
3. goodwill or favour
4. the granting of a favour or the manifestation of goodwill, esp by a superior
5. a sense of propriety and consideration for others
6. (plural) affectation of manner (esp in the phrase airs and graces)
7. in someone's good graces ⇒ regarded favourably and with kindness by someone
8. mercy; clemency
9. the free and unmerited favour of God shown towards man
10. the divine assistance and power given to man in spiritual rebirth and sanctification
11. the condition of being favoured or sanctified by God
12. an unmerited gift, favour, etc, granted by God

When we were given the news that our baby had no heartbeat, and that she would need to be delivered sleeping, Scott and I both went into a kind of shock, but also into a mode where we knew we had to get through this, we had to deliver this baby safely and then get through each step after that. Somehow we were given the strength not to crumble at that moment. When we knew what was ahead, and as we began the induction, I knew that the name I had had in my head and heart for months would be the name. All the things I had worried about, like what the name rhymes with, whether people could spell the name, were not important any more. Her name would just be for us, and unfortunately for her headstone.  I think the name fits her, she is so beautiful, so peaceful, she is elegant, charming, and she will be given back to us someday because of the grace of God. We choose to remember her, to say her name and include her as our daughter and sister because we believe that families are forever, that even though we never got to meet her on earth, we will see her again and she will be ours.  We love you, Lauren Grace.

This is a print out of her headstone, which has not been placed yet. We went immediately after her burial to choose it, since it was our only chance being in Orem. The memorial place was so kind and helpful and I had already decided what I wanted, another gift I was given, to be able to be clear and decisive, because you only get one chance. I think it turned out very well.

Utah's Canyon Country

Here is pretty good video showing where we live! We love visitors, so come check it out!!

Can't wait to see you, and show you around!! There is even more than this within an hour's drive of our home.

Summer Time!

This is our lefty, doing her thing.

Summer is busier than ever. we have:

Abby-baseball, one practice, 2 games aweek, including out of town games. Jazz dance once per week, and first session swimming every day for another week.

Isabel-Baseball, Tumbling class and swimming lessons

Sara-Playground time during baseball, ballet\jazz combo, swimming lessons. Which she ABSOLUTELY loves. I was nervous, you never know with her.

Poor Whitney- has to hang out with mom and run everybody everywhere and doesn't get to do anything fun  :(

Both girls are on teams with boys, which is ok but not ideal.  Abby's team has 15 kids and they can't bat unless they played in the field, so it is a bummer, she doesn't actually play that much. But she enjoys being there, and her cool uniform.
Isabel has only had practices and has her first game this week, it is in Dove Creek CO, 25 miles east, and Abby has a game the same night, in blanding, 25 miles south! so we'll see how we work that one out. 
We are thankful there are even small opportunities for our kids here in this little town. There are a lot of good people who devote their time and I hope as my kids get a little older I can help out and coach some as well.  The dance studio in town just barely opened up after the last teacher quit a few years ago. We are excited to have dance again, plus tumbling. Although it gets crazy, it is worth it to us, not that our kids become superstars in any given field, but that they have fun, learn skills and have good experiences and make memories that will last a lifetime. I loved whatever sports i was able to play growing up, and Scott is very encouraging that they do these activities as well. It will be fun to watch as they grow and get better.

Whitney turns Three!

 Whitney is growing up so fast! This year we are not doing friend parties, and I have to say I am thankful. three year old parties are a little crazy! Instead of focussing on all the cleaning and planning and craziness, we just did what is important to a little lady...number one being balloons! I asked Whitney what color she wanted, and she started naming every color, so a dozen rainbow balloons were the highlight of the day! For all the kids!

It has been a crazy and busy few weeks and so this time no fancy cake happened. I got a red velvet (our first one ever) from the grocery store, wrote on it with a little gel icing tube, and added princess sugar decorations that didn't match at all! But you know what, it's ok! She loved it, the cake was actually really good, especially for store-bought. There is a little bit of mommy guilt for not doing something fabulous like all my talented friends out there, but it's not hard to let go of all that when I see how happy she is and how unstressed I am.  Next year perhaps I will go all out. But enough about me.

Whitney got a few presents, mostly clothes, but also a puzzle, princess dolls and a little wooden bed for baby dolls.  She was happy with that, and enjoyed the day.

Whitney continues to grow and change all the time, but still remains sweet and cuddly. She is getting some attitude lately, but it is actually kindof funny to watch. My favorite are the freak outs that come from playing with her sisters. You would think she broke an arm, and when she finally comes to me and I ask what's wrong, it is something like "Sara won't let me be Rapunzel!" or "Isabel turned me into a frog!"  so she is entertaining. She also makes stuff up and that is funny as well. Amazing how young they learn to just flat out lie.  She is into Dora and butterflies and Tangled. She loves her sisters, and right now Isabel is her declared favorite. They are cute together. This summer has been such a trial for her little self, while her sisters get dropped off for swimming lessons and dance, she is ot able to do those yet, and it breaks her heart! I feel so bad, life just isn't fair!She loves her Dad and misses him a lot when he is gone. She is starting to love talking on the phone and thinks every time I am on it, it has to be a Grandma on the other end.  She has an amazing little spirit and goes along with what the rest of us are doing, especially copying her sisters, but also grabbing a book and climbing in to bed with me to read, or helping me cook.  We love Whitney so much and can't wait to see what she does over the next year!

Memorial Day

 There is a place on the forest by Moab that has dinosaur footprints. Scott wanted to take us there, so we went on the way back from Grand Junction.

This is one picture of the view, I was so bummed, my battery died right after this was taken. It was quite a big cliff, and gorgeous.

A few weeks ago, some kids came selling raffle tickets to support a local robotics club. The days when I had to sell magazines and oranges door to door in our small town are still fresh in my mind, so I try to support any kids who come by.  This time we lucked out! We won a pretty decent Cabela's gift card! This is a large outdoor equipmet store. It was one of our favorite places to visit, because it is so fun and huge and they have animals and fish and everything. (live fish, stuffed dead animals)  Anywho, there is also a smaller version in Grand Junction,CO. so we headed over there to get some camping gear, and some fishing poles for the girls.  We had lunch at Olive Garden (thanks Jeremy and Crystal for the Christmas gift card) and then went and spent our winnings. Unfortunately, it isn't the cheapest place, and so we didn't make out as well as I had hoped. 4 crazy kids didn't help with organized shopping, but oh well. We managed to get fishing poles that light up when you spin the reel, a nice potty bucket for camping with 4 little girls, some reusable water bottles, and some PowerBait that is fresher than 15 yrs old (Scott says "it's still fine!")  If only the visions of fishing with the children were like the storybooks.  Last time we tried it was a little chaotic. Trying to keep 4 little people quiet and sitting still and not throwing rocks in the water, and not falling into the water is a challenge. So I am thinking we will do Daddy\Daughter fishing dates one or two at a time. We are plannning a camping trip in a few weeks, and I am sure we will try them out then.  Scott says we might be able to rent a boat where we are going, that would be fun.  I am also not sure if they quite understand the reality of whacking a slimy fish on the head and gutting it, but they are actually ok with a lot of that, and they know where meat comes from and they want to eat their fish, so we will see. 
Anyways, after Cabela's I hit a few other stores in the mall, getting some pretty smelling soaps at Bath and Body Works, and then some clothes on sale at Children's Place for Whitney's birthday, and some for Abby, who  is growing out of everything and needed summer clothes. Oh, we also had to get her shoes at Payless, since she also needed those. darn kids just keep growing. Luckily Abby does pretty well at keeping things good to pass down to her sisters. 
After our shopping and playing in the little kids' playground at the mall, we headed back towards Moab, turning off to see the dinosaur tracks. It was a very long day, and we were ready to be out of the car, but we aren't over that way very much so we went. The girls had fun looking for tracks and the air was nice and fresh up there.  The road back went along the Colorado river and it was beautiful to see the red rock and the river, and a few rafters. We stopped in Moab on the way back fo some dinner and got home. GJ is about 2.5 hours away and it was a lot of driving, including our detour, but it was a good day and we are glad we had Scott around for a minute to hang out with us. He has been very busy, but it is good.