Five Month Progress Report

Some days I really want to share how I am feeling and try to explain it to everyone. Other days I just can't.It is really hard to put my feelings into words, and it makes me feel very vulnerable. I don’t want anyone to think I am wallowing in grief and depression, but I also don’t want people to think I am perfectly fine. I am somewhere in the middle, and I move back and forth somewhere between the two extremes as well.

So how are we doing? We are doing ok. Most days go by pretty normally. I have struggled with wanting to go out in public or in crowds. I sometimes wish I could wear black for a year so people would know why I am just not myself. I am perfectly fine to talk about Lauren, what hurts is when people completely avoid the subject. The last thing I want is to act like she never existed. I have had some great, supportive people who have helped me with texts, messages, phone calls. People who aren’t afraid to say her name and who let me vent or ask questions if I can. I still struggle to even call or write to anyone on my worst days. I am terrible at asking for help. So if you see a post about how much I miss her, just know that actually means I am having an ok day,or feeling brave enough to tell the truth.  I have come to love looking at Lauren’s pictures. Instead of seeing the color of her skin or lips, I see my sweet, chubby cheeked baby. I was able to make a Shutterfly book with pregnancy pictures, ultrasounds, anything I had of her life. I really like looking through that, and showing it to people. I have not shown many, but I am happy to share it. I love my adorable baby and although it is hard, it is good for me.

I have spent a lot of time reading the past few months. Right at first it was hard, but I have read a bunch of books, talks, blogs, articles on many subjects ranging from near-death experiences to hope in trials to heartbreaking stories of loss. I have read many things from my church that have helped me see things in perspective. I am thankful I am still not angry or mad at God. I know he loves me and my family, and I know that I will have answers some day. I learned a lot as I went to BYU Women’s conference 6 weeks after she was born and listened and learned from amazing people who have been through such difficult things. I want our family to be whole and happy. I want us to heal and learn and be able to look back on this as something that helped us all become better people. It is going to hurt all our Earth lives, but I know we can find joy again, and find ways to turn our loss into something good. There is such a small but strong baby loss community online. They work to comfort those who are suffering, and also to break some of the silence around miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss and infertility. I hope I can do what I can to help as well, whether it is sewing tiny diapers for tiny babies or commenting on a post by a sad mom. I never would have been able to so truly see the need and opportunity for service if I had not lost Lauren. And I was so blessed to have a good experience. That is not the case for many, many people, So I hope to move forward to do any little thing I can. If you are interested, two of my favorite sites are Still Standing Magazine and CarlyMarie. If you have time to read a bit in there, it may open your eyes to some of the difficulties. I feel like I have not had all the same struggles as some people, but I do think it is something to be aware of, if 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, then we are all touched by it, just very few people speak about it, which adds to the pain.  Unless you lose a baby, then all of a sudden you hear of everyone’s losses around you, it is incredible. There is a need for clothing items for these very early babies, as well as things like memory boxes. If you, your church group, your book group, whatever need a service project, let me know and I can point you in the right direction.

I think this applies to anyone who has lost someone close to them.

Scott still works hard and is gone a lot but he tries to be there for me. He is very strong and supportive and I am thankful for that. He doesn’t blink if I buy a necklace for Lauren that matches ones for the girls. He helped me do our flower bed and little beginning of a rock garden. When we go special places we pick up a rock for the baby. I think it helps the girls a lot, and it feels like we are including her. We got some good ones on our Canada trip. We are so far from her grave, it is nice to have a little place here. When we do go north, I like to go visit the grave alone first so I can talk to her, be sad, cry, feel peace, whatever. Then if the girls want to go we take them. They do quite well and love all the flowers, but it is sad. The reality of a cemetery is right there, though. Lawn mowers, people walking for exercise, new graves being dug. Life, and death, goes on. The grass is almost grown in, so are the little weeds and they seem to turn the mower right on Lauren's grave stone and leave a tire mark. I hate that, but it's reality. When we picked her stone, we didn't know you are supposed to have a vase set in, so we don't and we aren't really supposed to stick things in the ground next to her but we have done that a little. I guess the grass has to be mowed, but I wish we could do more there. Some people do, it is nice to see all the things people leave for their loved ones. A new part of my life I never expected. But I do like having a place where I feel close to her, since we just didn't have any time with her.

adding rocks to the garden

Each of my girls reacts differently. They all are still grieving. Just last night Sara said “why didn’t we even get to play with her for one minute?” and was wanting her to come back to us soon. Whitney sees any hand or footprint and says it is Lauren and speaks of her often.She was given a doll carseat and just kept saying "it's for Lauren! It's for Lauren!" and wanted to put her in it. Little things remind each of them of her. Abby likes to go take flowers to the grave, Isabel doesn’t even want to go and breaks down if we do. Poor kid. They miss her a lot. It is still hard to deal with these things, it just isn’t fair, but we are doing the best we can to help them process their grief and heal. The night before school started we sat down to decide how we would deal with questions like “how many brothers and sisters do you have” or drawing their family. I want them to be prepared.

The comments I get about the 4 girls still hurt, I am not going to bring up Lauren to some lady in the grocery store, but it stinks leaving her out. She is a part of our family, she just isn’t here. Who would have known the question “how many kids do you have” would be such a struggle for those of us who have lost a child. We will figure it out.

I am still a little baby-shy. Little pink bundles do seem to be everywhere. I was able to meet with my friend who has a baby Lauren’s age and hold him. He is so cute and so hers, it was really ok. I want to get to the point where I can be perfectly fine when I see a baby in person, or pictures on Facebook. To be honest it is hard.Seeing little ones pass milestones and grow, seeing smiling moms in the hospital and knowing my last experience was so different. The innocence is lost forever and I cannot look at pregnancy and expect a happy outcome 100% of the time. But I truly am happy for all my family and friends with their cute babies. I just wish I had mine.

And so we have our ups and downs. Five months and it seems like yesterday. I still get very sad. The new Amy is much more fragile. Day to day tasks can be difficult. Other times that is fine but anything extra is too much. I have simplified and cut out many things over the summer. I feel guilty for that, for not having 3 girls on 3 different teams in baseball, for not driving five hours alone with the kids and dog to go camping with family. the old Amy could have made it work, but not this year. I was released from my calling in the Primary presidency (leading the children at church). I feel like I failed, but I also feel relieved. I miss it a lot. I still see a hole in our family, I still have a weight on my heart that won’t go away. But we are doing our best to take care of ourselves and be more aware of those around us who suffer. I feel like I have learned so much already, there were answers in front of me all the time but now I am more certain and feel a better understanding of our lives before we came to earth, while we are here, and after we leave. We have had some great experiences and met some amazing people. Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to be there for us. I hope sharing our experience might help you or someone you know. Before this, I always wanted to help but didn't know how. now I know:  When you don't know what to do, do something. when you don't know what to say, say you are sorry, and that you care. 
All of that being said, we really are doing as well as can be expected.We have gone through a lot of very,very tough things. It takes work and time but I know we will be ok. The kids are resilient and amazing, Scott is strong. I know Lauren is with us.

This is one of my favorite videos, take a minute to watch it.you may need a tissue, though. luv you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdN8rfwW3SI

Canada Trip 2013

We made a huge triangle on our trip.  We left and went to Orem first, saw the family there. We then drove to Boise, ID. We stayed in a hotel and swam a bit, the girls loved that.  We drove the next day to Lacey,WA which is near Olympia. We saw the Columbia river and drove along it. We stayed with old friends from the days in California. Thanks Jenny for letting us crash at your house. The next day we went to Seattle, saw the Space Needle and Pacific Science Center. We walked to the Fish Market and did a bunch of touristy things. Then we headed north to Chilliwack, BC.  We got to my dad’s house in good time and we were glad to be done driving for a bit.

We went to pick blueberries at a U-pick farm, I had never done that and the kids were excited. It was a good time and there was a ton of blueberries. We went to a heron refuge, didn’t see any herons but did find blackberry bushes. Scott was thrilled. We walked around and then went and got some yummy ice cream.

Sunday we went to church, which is right near my dad’s house. Then we just hung out most of the day, my dad was not feeling well.  We went for a drive to Cultus Lake to see what was there. There are not a lot of lakes to swim in in Utah, so I was hoping we could do that.

We went to Vancouver on Monday and went to the Aquarium first. It was crowded but pretty cool. We saw a lot, we watched the beluga show and they had a penguin walk before. We were on the front row so that was fun to see two little penguins close up. They had us put any food we had behind our backs, though.  After that we drove around Stanley Park. We went to a splash park, we stopped at a beach to look for seashells and see the ocean. After that we headed to the Capilano Suspension Bridge. When I was younger, this was pretty much a bridge and a little boardwalk, but we got there and found it had expanded…and so had the price tag. But we were there and so we went in. They have a cool foot suspension bridge with a creek below. They added a cliff walk where you are suspended along the cliff face and you walk along. They also added a bunch of stuff on the far side, and had a booklet for kids to do. They had bridges up in the trees and ponds and many other things. We dragged around everywhere to complete the booklet for our prize….a Button! Yay. The kids were less than thrilled, but oh well. We headed home after a long but good day. 

We went to the lake and swam a bit. My little ones got cold almost immediately but it was fun. They made a sand\gravel castle and played a bit. We went to a Chinese buffet with my dad and Brigitte. Another dinner highlight was a huge, fresh salmon. I was like a kid in a candy store at the grocery, so much fresh, yummy things they grow there. Monticello is just not the same.
you will notice a theme in the pictures...Sara not wanting to participate and Whitney making a funny face. oh well.

Seattle

Vancouver Aquarium

Vancouver

 We had a good visit with my dad and stepmother. The girls loved all the attention they got and it was good to see them. It doesn’t happen very often. I am glad the girls are old enough to really remember the people and places we see.  They are also really good travelers. The whole trip was bitter sweet, we had a lot of freedom, no diapers and no stroller, no portable crib. Just us, the girls, some clothes, and movies. I wished I was at home with a newborn, but I am grateful we could do it and make great memories for all of us.

We left early the next morning to drive entirely across British Columbia to Banff, AB. The drive was gorgeous and I wish we could have spent a week just making that trip. There are so many cool places I want to take my family to, but we will do it someday. Canada is a big place. We made good time and saw so many waterfalls, glaciers and mountains. We got to Banff and checked in by dinner. We ordered pizza and tried to meet up with my sister-in-law and the cousins. Finally we all ended up at the hotel waterslides for some good fun. The next day the kids played at the indoor playground, which is 3 stories of good times. The place we stayed has condos which are amazing, we used to stay there every Christmas when my dad would take us skiing. The kids love it, and so do I, a little splurge but worth it. So nice having the kids in their own beds up in a loft and us with our own bedroom. Also an oven to make a huge berry crisp with our berries and ingredients we bought in Chilliwack. We enjoyed that for a few days with ice cream.  We went up to a waterfall and dodged mosquitoes with Pam, the cousins had so much fun. My Auntie Jean drove in from Edmonton just to see us (she also doesn’t take much arm-twisting to go to Banff) and we had a good visit. We went to the Cave and Basin and to dinner with her. After she left we poked around in the stores on main street, and then we headed out for Calgary. 

We stayed with my old pal Stacey and her family. She spoiled us with food. Her husband is on the helicopter team for Calgary PD so of course Scott got to go visit him. Not surprisingly within an hour we got the call that they had made an emergency landing, but everyone was ok. A maintenance light had come on. They went back and got another helicopter and proceeded to have a good time. When they visited us last year, Scott took Lane on a 4 wheeler ride along. My mom came to visit while we were there and then she babysat so we could go out on a double date. We went canoeing on the lake in their neighborhood and walked around Calgary. It was really nice.  The next day we all met up at Telus Spark which is the science center in Calgary. My two brothers and their families were there. It is a really cool place, we could have spent all day. Sunday we went to church with Mom and Stacey and then just hung out on a rainy day. Monday we got up and left, stopped in High River to pick up Abby who had slept over and to see the flood damage. High River had been completely flooded and evacuated this spring. Luckily my brother’s house just lost the basement, and hopefully they will be able to get the insurance figured out and rebuild soon.  We left there and drove to Butte, Montana. We got up in the morning and went to the Lewis and Clark Caverns. We had gone there as children and I wanted to take ours now that they were old enough to do the hike. It is huge and takes almost 2 hours to go through. They all did well, so did really tall Scott.  After that we took the scenic route past Yellowstone and through Rexburg and Idaho Falls, back to Orem. I did a bit of school shopping, we had a picnic in a wind storm with some amazing friends, then home and back to reality as Scott immediately headed back to his busy schedule. It was a good trip…not relaxing for the mom but a lot of amazing things I was able to share with my family.

cameras cannot do it justice

cousins...yes, this was the best one I had

Auntie Jean

Back to School 2013

Abby is in 5^th grade! She is growing up so fast! She has Mrs. Pehrson this year, who is our neighbor. She is excited about school, Learning, reading and hanging out with Friends. This year the school is next to a construction zone, they are building behind the old building, and then will knock it down next summer, and fall 2014 we will have a brand new school! Abby will enjoy it for 1 year, but Whitney gets to start Kindergarten in a fancy new place. I will personally be excited not to hear trucks backing up at 5 am, but I am glad they are working so hard.

Isabel is in 3^rd grade with Mr. Boyle. He is a great teacher who is a lot of fun, he likes to dance and sing in class. She is happy to be back with her friends and busy. I am sure she will have a great year.

Sara started 1^st grade! She has Mr. McDaniel. I was a little worried about her being gone all day and how she would do in the cafeteria and everything, but she seemed to have a great first day. She has some good friends in her class and a great teacher so I know she will blossom this year. She is in the stage of phonetic spelling and I love it. She is very smart and I can’t wait to see what she accomplishes.

Whitney just got a spot in preschool and we are excited. She will go just twice a week, but I know she will love it. She is growing and learning every day. We are working on writing her name, she can already spell it out loud and does really well with her letters. I hope to teach her a lot at home, go to story time at the library, go for walks, play with friends and find things for the two of us to do all day. It is going to be very different without all the other little people around.

Tiny Angel

I already put this on facebook, but I wanted to put it here, to keep for us. I found a sweet poem online that really touched my heart on a night when I was alone and missing my baby so much. I think it expresses so much, so well. I took a photo of her little hand and footprints to share, as well as dried roses from her casket and an angel a friend gave to me.

Tiny Angel

Author Unkown

Tiny Angel rest your wings
Sit with me awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.

Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.

Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long...
Why is it you couldn't stay?

Tiny Angel shook her head,
"These things I do not know...
But I do know you loved me,
And that I loved you so."

Good Bye Sweet Baby

Writing these posts is emotionally draining. But thinking about writing them also is. So I will finish writing about the burial now, and then just write as I feel a desire to in the future. Thank you for listening to our story.
The hospital was great, they took her foot and handprints and put them on birth certificates for us. They put her name and weight and all of that on, just like for a regular delivery. Those we treasure. Everyone there told us how beautiful Lauren was, they held her in their arms when they carried her and it was just so much like a live baby. I am so thankful to have had such a good experience with our care. Oh, I was going to mention that the nurse who first came and talked to us was named Lauren.(but I think went by Laurie) This also helped finally chose her name. When I had Whitney and had not yet chosen a name, our labor and delivery nurses were named Sarah and Whitney. So that helped me pick Whitney's name. Some may say coincidence....I don't think so.
When we left the hospital, we had to leave Lauren there. Wrapped up tight but in a little cooler in a room in the hospital. I knew she was in good hands but I was somehow terrified there would be a mix up and something would happen to her. Because she was stillborn, we did not have to take her to a mortuary. The day was sunny and warm, a blessing and good to feel the warmth on our skin. Scott went to a man in our town who hand makes baby caskets. Their family had lost a baby as well and so he started building these. They are beautiful. Scott went to pick it out, but I think I would have chosen the same one. I liked the tone of the wood and the silver hardware. The inside was pretty and white and soft. It would be a good place to lay our baby.
That day we had many of the unimaginable details of a burial to take care of. We had already decided to bury Lauren near her Aunt Susan in Orem. There Scott's parents and grandparents had their plots together, as well as some extra ones. It was a relief to not have to shop around places and make hard decisions.That was easy to decide. I know it is hard being away from the spot, but I know she is taken care of, and every time we go to visit we will be able to see her grave. And no matter where we end up, or move, or anything, I know she will be constant there in Orem. I could not leave her down here in Monticello if we did move someday.
I was supposed to be resting. But I could not be alone. It was very difficult.
We opened a little box that had a lock of Lauren's hair. It was stuck to a clear tape thing, I was very disappointed about it. I could not touch her hair and it was all stuck in plastic. Everyone wanted to do something to help us, so I asked my mom to go get another bit. And she did.I knew if I didn't say anything I would regret it forever.  the nurses helped her and got it for her. That made me feel better. We continued with some logisitcs. Soon Scott's parents left to go take care of the cemetary preparations. We stayed home so I could rest. I kept having to remind myself how recently I had given birth, it was so odd to be home, without a baby. Thankfully I was doing ok physically. I packed for the trip to Orem. Scott's mom was able to get matching dresses for the girls via text, photos and phone calls. I knew it was Easter dress season, so I was hoping we could get cute ones. And we did.
We talked to the girls, prepared them for what the burial would be like, so they would be ready and not afraid. How do you really put all that into words?
Saturday, March 16th Scott went in the morning to the hospital. Our neighbor Dustin ( a nurse) was there to help get the baby. They placed her in her casket in the Suburban. We were able to bring her to Orem ourselves. Everything went well, we got on the road when we had planned to. The girls did well in the car. We were not looking forward to burying our baby. I had to pick an outfit when nothing fit, things like that were so hard to deal with. I should have been in stretchy pants,exhausted, taking care of a baby, not finding clothes for a funeral and going on a road trip. On the other hand, we had just gotten Scott a nice new suit since it had been 10 years since he bought one for our wedding. He did not want to, I insisted. I thought it was a tax return thing, then we thought it would be nice for Isabel's baptism. Then we both realized that day how glad we were he had a nice suit to wear. Another coincidence you may say. I disagree.
We got to Orem and changed the girls into their dresses. Everyone was there and waiting. I had called my friend Carma Gray the day before and she dropped whatever she had to come take photos for us. I didn't know what I wanted, not posed shots or anything. But I wanted documentation of every minute we had with Lauren. She was there and took many photos for us. The cousins somehow all matched and so we did get a picture of them together. Most of the people there were Scott's family. I had not known if I would want a bunch of people or not. But it was good to keep it small. I decided to use Lauren's baby book as a guest book, so we knew who was with us that day, and to fill all the pages that would now go empty.
Scott and I went to make sure the baby was still laying in the right way, after the car trip. We made sure she was, and then added a little toy in with her, a little paper angel Abby made for her, a picture of our family and a few other things. We closed the casket for the last time.
Scott carried her to the spot, I carried her pretty white and pink flowers that had been ordered for us. Little rosebuds, they were perfect.
Scott's dad said a few words. Scott dedicated the grave. The children there all laid a rose next to her. We all cried and got through it. We spoke to those who came to be with us, then everyone went their ways. The grandparents took our children back to the house. We stayed to watche her be placed in the hole. I thought I wanted to see it, but soon was ready to go, the ugly dirt next to our precious little one was too much.
Scott and I went to the monument place. They stayed open late for us. I knew it would be our only chance for a while to be up there to pick a headstone. I had looked at their website at home, and had thought about it some. Scott isn't into details so I knew whatever I chose would be fine for both of us. I thought about what I wanted it to look like and say. (if you haven't read the posts below, there is a picture of it there) I wanted to have it say "Baby Sister" somewhere, since we had called her that so long. Even saying Lauren seemed different. I almost wished I had named her earlier so we could be used to it, before she was suddenly gone. 
We went through pictures and fonts and spellings and everything to get it just right. An incredible blessing, the store donated our stone, and the cost of setting it. The owner gives the small ones to parents of babies who pass away as a gift. We really couldn't believe it. That still has not been placed, but we hope soon.
After that we went back, I spent the day trying to be distracted and not being alone. Unfortunately that day my milk came in and it was very physically uncomfortable and emotionally heartbreaking. My body did not know my baby was gone.
For some crazy reason we went to get a few things I needed at a store which is only in Orem. We stopped and got little joke books at Barnes and Noble for the girls. I had promised them joke books during our talk, to cheer them up. I don't know how I did this, but it had to be done. And it was better than sitting in the basement crying.
Sunday everyone went to church except Scott and I. He was sick and I was exhausted in every way. We headed home that afternoon.  It was a whirlwind, I think we were all still numb and going through each thing we had to. Now it was back to "normal," whatever that means. I can't express everything I thought and felt. I am not a perfect person, I have had my very weak moments, doubts, fears, every part of grief in a situation like this.And I will probably for a long time.Scott has been amazingly strong and has a simple faith, but he grieves in his own way. I want people to know that we love our daughter, she will be a part of our family and our story for the rest of our lives. She will also be a missing part for the rest of our lives. But we know she is in a place without pain and suffering. We know she is fine but we are so sad. We believe we will get to be with her again, forever where no death will keep us apart. We know there are lessons to be learned and strength and faith to be built upon. We hope to be better, more empathetic people through this experience, and we hope our family will grow closer and we will see what is really important. We will not allow what happened to make us bitter or tear us apart. We have seen so many little things that have come together, not to miraculously save our baby, but to help us through this trial. There are what we call "tender mercies of the Lord" everywhere. We know that is true.We are not angry, or asking why. These answers are not for us right now.

 Our baby is so special, and we will do everything we can to make her short life and her memory meaningful. We love each of our five daughters more than words can express.

Hello Lauren

One month ago, we buried our little baby girl. I feel like I have told so many people so many parts of the story separately, so here I hope to be able to explain what happened all in one place.On the other hand, we are in the middle of it and it seems like everyone knows what happened, but probably many of you don't. I just got our pictures back, and unfortunately some did not turn out as good as I had remembered. It is very difficult for me to share some photos online, and yet I want people to see how beautiful Lauren was,like any proud mother. I will put the pictures at the bottom, if you just want to read the story and not look at a little one who has passed away, I understand.  Also, some of our feelings and thoughts are too close to share here, so lots of the story will just be the main points explained. thank you

I guess I will begin on Sunday, March 10. We had Stake Conference. (This is a meeting of local congregations of our church, happens twice a year) Two hours on a hard, folding chair was not fun for somone as pregnant as I was. But we made it through. I was very uncomfortable, and very ready to have the baby. Monday I was ok, we went to visit a neighbor with cancer. The girls made her cards and we chatted about the baby, her youngest is about 4 years apart from the next sibling, we talked about that. I remember sitting on her couch, but I cannot remember if the baby was kicking a whole lot at that point. That night I slept quite well, which is unusual, I was usually up a lot heading to the bathroom, and Lauren often kicked the nerves in my legs. Tuesday morning we had planned a trip to Canyonlands National Park. I had never really been out there, nor had my mom. We have freinds who are living and working there and they had always been inviting us out. It seemed like a great idea. We packed a picnic lunch and drove. We hiked a little trail that had a lot of cool things to see. I felt totally fine, getting out and moving after a long winter and being so pregnant actually was a relief. After the hike and lunch, we decided to drive out to the Colorado Overlook. We knew it was a 4 wheel drive road, but wow, it was really a serious drive. It was beautiful when we got out there, looking hundreds of feet down to the river, climbing on rocks, the girls were doing their "junior ranger" booklets and having a good time. I was hoping all that bumping around would induce labor naturally because I was so ready. We spent a good day out there, came home. These are the last pictures before life changed...

 

Scott had a meeting in Moab on Wednesday, and we decided that I would go with him, poke around in Moab while he did that, and then have a lunch date and spend some time together while we had Grandma to babysit. However, Tuesday night, after the trip to Canyonlands I went to bed around 10:30. Very soon after I started feeling contractions. I didn't think much of them for a while, but it kept happening. Everyone was asleep, but I thought I might actually be going into labor, on my own, before my due date! I was thrilled. This had never happened to me. I knew I wanted to labor at home, and I knew it would probably be a while before anything serious happened. I couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake anyone up yet, so I got up and cleaned the kitchen, I organized our closet quietly, I sat down and wrote my mom a note with the girls' schedule, and whatever instructions I thought she would need if we went to the hospital. I walked in little circles in the the living room, trying to help labor progress. All while everyone slept. I began timing the contractions.I was thinking how cool the birthday 03/13/13 was. I was thinking that by the time the girls woke up they would be heading to the hospital to see their baby sister. I was super excited.  Sometimes the contractions were very close together, other times 20 min apart. They were not getting more regular, or more intense. By 5:30 am they had pretty much stopped, so I went to bed. In the morning I told Scott, I was not feeling super, was tired and we decided to stay close to home and not go to Moab. I can't remember exactly, but some time that morning I realized I had not felt the baby kick for a while. Lauren never did kick a whole lot, but I couldn't remember when she had moved last. We weren't overly concerned, other babies had taken REALLY long naps and scared us, and everything had been fine.  I was anxious to check and see if I was in labor. I had an appointment the next morning, but I decided to go into the clinic just to see what was happening, I had no more contractions or anything. I made an appointment for 2:30 in the afternoon with a different doctor. Mine was only there Tues\Thurs. My regular appointment would have been on Tuesday, but he was out of town, so we changed it.

Scott was able to be off that day, which was a blessing. He came with me to the appointment, which isn't normal, either. We still were more excited than worried at this point. The doctor checked me, I was only 2 cm dilated. Then he got out the Doppler. He seemed to be kindof fumbling around, not quite sure where to find the heartbeat. We could hear my pulse, but not the baby's. Still, It wasn't my doctor, he said he can be bad at finding the baby, so we went to the room with a small ultrasound machine. Of course it had to be rebooted, so we waited. He asked if I was worried, and I said "no." I still thought she was just napping and the doctor needed some practice or something. He finally got it working, the monitor was not towards me. Scott was across in the chair and could see. It didn't take long for reality to hit us. The doctor was quiet. He then just said we were going to go over to the hospital to the big ultrasound machine. Everything was just quiet and still. We knew that the other ultrasound was not going to see anything we didn't already know. We went to the waiting room and had to sit there. Still very quiet. We went into the Ultrasound room. The big monitor for the mom to see was off, the tech said nothing after a greeting. She was looking all over. Scott looked at the screen, I looked at him. We both knew what was happening without saying anything. The doctor came back in to tell us there was no heartbeat. We already knew that. They walked me through the back to the labor room. We needed to do an induction. Nurses came to talk to us. We decided that Scott would go home and tell the girls and my mom, since our quick trip to the clinic had turned into over an hour and a hospital stay.My first thoughts had been for my poor girls, having to lose their baby, too. Having to go through a situation like this at their sweet, tender ages, I alsmost felt worse for them than for myself. I changed and waited, I needed Scott there for all the needles and IVs. He got the girls together in the basement. He told them I was at the hospital. They thought I was getting baby sister. Then he had to tell them that the baby had died. They were crushed. Sara ran to the neighbors and told them, they ran over because they thought something was wrong with me(they both work at the hosptial).  Scott then had to tell my mom and come back. I think I was in shock. I don't think I cried much yet.

After Scott got back they started poking me.  3 or 4 veins were blown. I usually have good veins, but not that day. I was struggling, like the whole situation wasn't bad enough, I hate needles and it hurt and it was taking forever. Somehow we got through that. They started Pitocin. I asked them to get my doctor. He came and checked in on me. I decied to go through the labor as I usually would. I walked around the little room as much as I could. A nice nurse over ruled the normal "you can't eat when you are in labor" rule and they got me some food. I was hungry and exhausted but couldn't eat much. The contractions started but were not painful. Thankfully time seemed to pass pretty quickly. We found a Duck Dynasty marathon on TV. It was a good distraction. I was very focussed on getting through labor, trying not to lose it. Scott's parents drove down and came by for a minute. When I got to tired, I asked for an epidural. I thought about going naturally, but the doctor said it was going to be a lot to deal with when she was born and adding pain and exhaustion to it might be too much. The anesthesiologist arrived, in street clothes, baseball cap, didn't introduce himself. It ended up taking 3 tries to place the needle. It was so painful and I was so scared and he wasn't really telling me what he was doing. We were about ready to quit when he got it in. Another thing I could not believe, I just wanted it quick and painless. A friend of ours is also and anesthesiologist, but he wasn't on call, I wish we would have asked for him anyways. After all that, it did work well, I was able to rest a bit but Scott wasn't. Things were taking longer than we thought. They broke my water and there was blood in the fluid. This was a clue to what had happened, but we still didn't know for sure. They checked me and I was just 6cm. I felt that fluid had leaked on the gown. We went through manuevers to get it changed with my legs and abs not working well. As soon as the nurse left from that, I felt a lot of pressure, I knew the baby was ready to arrive. Scott got the nurse and she checked and got the doctor.  One push and Lauren was here. Scott watched her be born. I closed my eyes, I was scared to see her like that. I didn't know what to expect. The doctor soon discovered that the placenta had separated partially, and had bled inside, there were no outward signs at all. This was most likely what had caused her to go. Immediately I felt I had done something to cause it, the bumpy drive, too much activity before, so many qustions. but no one knows and no good comes from those thoughts. Also we really can't tell how long she had been gone. I wish I could remember, or there had been any sortof warning. Sometimes these things just happen. They took her and cleaned her. They brought her back to us. We both held her and looked at her. I couldn't help rocking her a little. I think we were still in shock. This was not what we had wanted. It was 3:05 am.  March 14, 2013.

We were both exhausted. They took her. We tried to rest. In the morning people were coming, to take pictures, hand and foot prints, the girls were going to come see the baby. We had to decide on burial arrangements. I had only thought of delivering a baby who was gone, I had not even realized I had to bury her as well. It was pretty overwhelming.

The girls were able to visit. We prepared them by explaining that Lauren looked like she was sleeping, and her lips were very dark. All of them did so well with her. Whitney could not get enough of holding her baby sister. She got a chance, and then continued to ask for another turn. She held her again. The look on her face was EXACTLY like it would have been if Lauren was alive. She loved her little sister so much, was so interested to see her, was not scared at all. It was amazing and so heartbreaking at the same time. I wanted her to get to play with a baby and love her and hold her, not like this. Abby got her turn, she cried, but she was so brave. Isabel as well, she was so natural holding her. Both my big girls would have been such great helps to me and loved having Lauren so much. Sara chose not to hold Lauren, but she looked at her and was brave as well. She was praying at home, they told us, for Lauren to come back alive. How I wish that prayer could have been answered for her. She still talks about when she comes back, and is resurrected, but only in a way a six year old thinks, she wants it to be really soon. She prays for Jesus to take care of Lauren.  After the girls got to see her, Scott and his dad took the girls home. The grandmas stayed and we took some pictures. They had taken hand and foot molds earlier. Wendy Crane gave me a bracelet with a little butterfly charm, and a tiny matching one for Lauren. I decided to let her keep hers, so she has a little something sparkly on. We took pictures of it, though. I tried my best to not worry how terrible I looked or anything, but just take the time to preserve the moments we had with our baby.Then we dressed Lauren in her little pink onesie and sleeper and wrapped her up for the last time. The blanket was made by Scott's Grandma, for Abby. It was my favorite blanket because it was just like a blanket I had as a child, pink rosebuds on one side and pink tiny checkered on the other. It was a good size, too and I had wrapped each of my daughters in it so many times. I chose for her to wear a sleeper because I have always kept my little ones in sleepers pretty much the first 3 months. I wanted her to be comfortable and warm. I imagine her as just sleeping, that is the image I keep in my mind. We were offered to have a white dress, or to use the blessing dress the other girls had worn, but I feel better with her dressed the way she is. Sleeping forever. 

After that I just changed and they let me go home. Only eight hours after delivering our angel. I was so grateful, I just wanted to be home with my family. Physically I felt fine, emotionally I was as empty as my arms. We will never be the same people who walked happily into the clinic less than 24 hours earlier.

I will add a few pictures of our beautiful girl below

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank You..

Blame it on my Gran. She is turning 100 in September. She taught me so many things. One that has lasted through time is the necessity of the thank you card. I can remember every Christmas, after the present opening had been done and the candy eaten, there we were at the table writing our cards from the list mom had taken. I have tried to keep it up, even though I am not perfect. I just think there is something about getting an actual card from someone that shows you care. Old-fashioned maybe, but so it is.
When we went to pick up my mom from the airport in Cortez, which is an hour away and near the closest WalMart, I went down the card aisle and saw the cutest box of pink, sparkly cards. My baby was due in one week, and I knew I would want to thank those who gave us anything for her. I was happy I had remebered, since I was out of cards at home. So I was ready to go.

As I mentioned on FaceBook, but for those who didn't see. I now write these cards with a heavier heart.I did not intend to write about flowers, meals, sympathy. It was supposed to be outfits, toys, happy baby things. I can only write on my "good" days.  So many people have served us and thought of us. It has truly been amazing and has lifted all of our spirits. I am so grateful that people care enough to do something when sad things happen. I have been humbled and realized that I could have done more for others in the past. But I was ignorant at the time. Now that I have begun this journey of grief, I hope to better understand and support those who walk this path behind me.  For those of you who have loved us, served us, prayed for us, I cannot thank all of you enough. I do not have enough little cards to send one to all who have sent us words of sympathy. But if you read this, know how much it means to us and how much it helped. And with everything being said about cards, know that a text, a comment on facebook, a hug, a call, a silent prayer we don't even know about, all of it is equally as valuable to us. Although death is uncomfortable to many people, and many people do not know what to say, the most important and simple thing to do is to let the grieving person know you care, that you are sorry, and that you love them. That is all, and we have been so blessed to have so many people who have expressed those things to us. We love you all back. And we THANK YOU.