One month ago, we buried our little baby girl. I feel like I have told so many people so many parts of the story separately, so here I hope to be able to explain what happened all in one place.On the other hand, we are in the middle of it and it seems like everyone knows what happened, but probably many of you don't. I just got our pictures back, and unfortunately some did not turn out as good as I had remembered. It is very difficult for me to share some photos online, and yet I want people to see how beautiful Lauren was,like any proud mother. I will put the pictures at the bottom, if you just want to read the story and not look at a little one who has passed away, I understand. Also, some of our feelings and thoughts are too close to share here, so lots of the story will just be the main points explained. thank you
I guess I will begin on Sunday, March 10. We had Stake Conference. (This is a meeting of local congregations of our church, happens twice a year) Two hours on a hard, folding chair was not fun for somone as pregnant as I was. But we made it through. I was very uncomfortable, and very ready to have the baby. Monday I was ok, we went to visit a neighbor with cancer. The girls made her cards and we chatted about the baby, her youngest is about 4 years apart from the next sibling, we talked about that. I remember sitting on her couch, but I cannot remember if the baby was kicking a whole lot at that point. That night I slept quite well, which is unusual, I was usually up a lot heading to the bathroom, and Lauren often kicked the nerves in my legs. Tuesday morning we had planned a trip to Canyonlands National Park. I had never really been out there, nor had my mom. We have freinds who are living and working there and they had always been inviting us out. It seemed like a great idea. We packed a picnic lunch and drove. We hiked a little trail that had a lot of cool things to see. I felt totally fine, getting out and moving after a long winter and being so pregnant actually was a relief. After the hike and lunch, we decided to drive out to the Colorado Overlook. We knew it was a 4 wheel drive road, but wow, it was really a serious drive. It was beautiful when we got out there, looking hundreds of feet down to the river, climbing on rocks, the girls were doing their "junior ranger" booklets and having a good time. I was hoping all that bumping around would induce labor naturally because I was so ready. We spent a good day out there, came home. These are the last pictures before life changed...
Scott had a meeting in Moab on Wednesday, and we decided that I would go with him, poke around in Moab while he did that, and then have a lunch date and spend some time together while we had Grandma to babysit. However, Tuesday night, after the trip to Canyonlands I went to bed around 10:30. Very soon after I started feeling contractions. I didn't think much of them for a while, but it kept happening. Everyone was asleep, but I thought I might actually be going into labor, on my own, before my due date! I was thrilled. This had never happened to me. I knew I wanted to labor at home, and I knew it would probably be a while before anything serious happened. I couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake anyone up yet, so I got up and cleaned the kitchen, I organized our closet quietly, I sat down and wrote my mom a note with the girls' schedule, and whatever instructions I thought she would need if we went to the hospital. I walked in little circles in the the living room, trying to help labor progress. All while everyone slept. I began timing the contractions.I was thinking how cool the birthday 03/13/13 was. I was thinking that by the time the girls woke up they would be heading to the hospital to see their baby sister. I was super excited. Sometimes the contractions were very close together, other times 20 min apart. They were not getting more regular, or more intense. By 5:30 am they had pretty much stopped, so I went to bed. In the morning I told Scott, I was not feeling super, was tired and we decided to stay close to home and not go to Moab. I can't remember exactly, but some time that morning I realized I had not felt the baby kick for a while. Lauren never did kick a whole lot, but I couldn't remember when she had moved last. We weren't overly concerned, other babies had taken REALLY long naps and scared us, and everything had been fine. I was anxious to check and see if I was in labor. I had an appointment the next morning, but I decided to go into the clinic just to see what was happening, I had no more contractions or anything. I made an appointment for 2:30 in the afternoon with a different doctor. Mine was only there Tues\Thurs. My regular appointment would have been on Tuesday, but he was out of town, so we changed it.
Scott was able to be off that day, which was a blessing. He came with me to the appointment, which isn't normal, either. We still were more excited than worried at this point. The doctor checked me, I was only 2 cm dilated. Then he got out the Doppler. He seemed to be kindof fumbling around, not quite sure where to find the heartbeat. We could hear my pulse, but not the baby's. Still, It wasn't my doctor, he said he can be bad at finding the baby, so we went to the room with a small ultrasound machine. Of course it had to be rebooted, so we waited. He asked if I was worried, and I said "no." I still thought she was just napping and the doctor needed some practice or something. He finally got it working, the monitor was not towards me. Scott was across in the chair and could see. It didn't take long for reality to hit us. The doctor was quiet. He then just said we were going to go over to the hospital to the big ultrasound machine. Everything was just quiet and still. We knew that the other ultrasound was not going to see anything we didn't already know. We went to the waiting room and had to sit there. Still very quiet. We went into the Ultrasound room. The big monitor for the mom to see was off, the tech said nothing after a greeting. She was looking all over. Scott looked at the screen, I looked at him. We both knew what was happening without saying anything. The doctor came back in to tell us there was no heartbeat. We already knew that. They walked me through the back to the labor room. We needed to do an induction. Nurses came to talk to us. We decided that Scott would go home and tell the girls and my mom, since our quick trip to the clinic had turned into over an hour and a hospital stay.My first thoughts had been for my poor girls, having to lose their baby, too. Having to go through a situation like this at their sweet, tender ages, I alsmost felt worse for them than for myself. I changed and waited, I needed Scott there for all the needles and IVs. He got the girls together in the basement. He told them I was at the hospital. They thought I was getting baby sister. Then he had to tell them that the baby had died. They were crushed. Sara ran to the neighbors and told them, they ran over because they thought something was wrong with me(they both work at the hosptial). Scott then had to tell my mom and come back. I think I was in shock. I don't think I cried much yet.
After Scott got back they started poking me. 3 or 4 veins were blown. I usually have good veins, but not that day. I was struggling, like the whole situation wasn't bad enough, I hate needles and it hurt and it was taking forever. Somehow we got through that. They started Pitocin. I asked them to get my doctor. He came and checked in on me. I decied to go through the labor as I usually would. I walked around the little room as much as I could. A nice nurse over ruled the normal "you can't eat when you are in labor" rule and they got me some food. I was hungry and exhausted but couldn't eat much. The contractions started but were not painful. Thankfully time seemed to pass pretty quickly. We found a Duck Dynasty marathon on TV. It was a good distraction. I was very focussed on getting through labor, trying not to lose it. Scott's parents drove down and came by for a minute. When I got to tired, I asked for an epidural. I thought about going naturally, but the doctor said it was going to be a lot to deal with when she was born and adding pain and exhaustion to it might be too much. The anesthesiologist arrived, in street clothes, baseball cap, didn't introduce himself. It ended up taking 3 tries to place the needle. It was so painful and I was so scared and he wasn't really telling me what he was doing. We were about ready to quit when he got it in. Another thing I could not believe, I just wanted it quick and painless. A friend of ours is also and anesthesiologist, but he wasn't on call, I wish we would have asked for him anyways. After all that, it did work well, I was able to rest a bit but Scott wasn't. Things were taking longer than we thought. They broke my water and there was blood in the fluid. This was a clue to what had happened, but we still didn't know for sure. They checked me and I was just 6cm. I felt that fluid had leaked on the gown. We went through manuevers to get it changed with my legs and abs not working well. As soon as the nurse left from that, I felt a lot of pressure, I knew the baby was ready to arrive. Scott got the nurse and she checked and got the doctor. One push and Lauren was here. Scott watched her be born. I closed my eyes, I was scared to see her like that. I didn't know what to expect. The doctor soon discovered that the placenta had separated partially, and had bled inside, there were no outward signs at all. This was most likely what had caused her to go. Immediately I felt I had done something to cause it, the bumpy drive, too much activity before, so many qustions. but no one knows and no good comes from those thoughts. Also we really can't tell how long she had been gone. I wish I could remember, or there had been any sortof warning. Sometimes these things just happen. They took her and cleaned her. They brought her back to us. We both held her and looked at her. I couldn't help rocking her a little. I think we were still in shock. This was not what we had wanted. It was 3:05 am. March 14, 2013.
We were both exhausted. They took her. We tried to rest. In the morning people were coming, to take pictures, hand and foot prints, the girls were going to come see the baby. We had to decide on burial arrangements. I had only thought of delivering a baby who was gone, I had not even realized I had to bury her as well. It was pretty overwhelming.
The girls were able to visit. We prepared them by explaining that Lauren looked like she was sleeping, and her lips were very dark. All of them did so well with her. Whitney could not get enough of holding her baby sister. She got a chance, and then continued to ask for another turn. She held her again. The look on her face was EXACTLY like it would have been if Lauren was alive. She loved her little sister so much, was so interested to see her, was not scared at all. It was amazing and so heartbreaking at the same time. I wanted her to get to play with a baby and love her and hold her, not like this. Abby got her turn, she cried, but she was so brave. Isabel as well, she was so natural holding her. Both my big girls would have been such great helps to me and loved having Lauren so much. Sara chose not to hold Lauren, but she looked at her and was brave as well. She was praying at home, they told us, for Lauren to come back alive. How I wish that prayer could have been answered for her. She still talks about when she comes back, and is resurrected, but only in a way a six year old thinks, she wants it to be really soon. She prays for Jesus to take care of Lauren. After the girls got to see her, Scott and his dad took the girls home. The grandmas stayed and we took some pictures. They had taken hand and foot molds earlier. Wendy Crane gave me a bracelet with a little butterfly charm, and a tiny matching one for Lauren. I decided to let her keep hers, so she has a little something sparkly on. We took pictures of it, though. I tried my best to not worry how terrible I looked or anything, but just take the time to preserve the moments we had with our baby.Then we dressed Lauren in her little pink onesie and sleeper and wrapped her up for the last time. The blanket was made by Scott's Grandma, for Abby. It was my favorite blanket because it was just like a blanket I had as a child, pink rosebuds on one side and pink tiny checkered on the other. It was a good size, too and I had wrapped each of my daughters in it so many times. I chose for her to wear a sleeper because I have always kept my little ones in sleepers pretty much the first 3 months. I wanted her to be comfortable and warm. I imagine her as just sleeping, that is the image I keep in my mind. We were offered to have a white dress, or to use the blessing dress the other girls had worn, but I feel better with her dressed the way she is. Sleeping forever.
After that I just changed and they let me go home. Only eight hours after delivering our angel. I was so grateful, I just wanted to be home with my family. Physically I felt fine, emotionally I was as empty as my arms. We will never be the same people who walked happily into the clinic less than 24 hours earlier.
I will add a few pictures of our beautiful girl below
